Sues to end all Sues
by Araissa
Summary: A collection of short stories featuring Mary Sues. Nearly every single one will make you like your own original characters more. Added: ElvenGoddess!Sue
1. Generic Romantic Sue

As the sun began to rise over the meadow, the sky painted a gradient of blue to red, Birds that normally didn't awaken until much later flew out of their nests to gaze upon the beauty of the strange woman situated in the centre of the vast field. Rosemarie Starrain Desirée Esmerelda Cerise Dazzlekiss Sparkleglow Donatienne gave a musical sigh, hoping that her beloved would hurry so that they could elope together before someone came looking for her.

Never had a woman as beautiful as Rosemarie Starrain Desirée Esmerelda Cerise Dazzlekiss Sparkleglow Donatienne existed. Her hair was the color of the sun and as soft as silk; her large starry, sapphire eyes captivated all who looked upon her. And her bosom was generous to say the least, particularly when compared to her slender frame. She was so skinny in fact, that she could have been anorexic, but she still looked healthy. Bulimia was more likely. But, her teeth happened to be so perfect that even bile frequently passing over them couldn't distract from their otherworldly perfection, and her breath was always minty fresh. So while most normal people would have to resort to eating disorders to get that figure, as well as plastic surgery, it's impossible to tell if Rosemarie Starrain Desirée Esmerelda Cerise Dazzlekiss Sparkleglow Donatienne does as well.

Not only was Rosemarie Starrain Desirée Esmerelda Cerise Dazzlekiss Sparkleglow Donatienne beautiful beyond comprehension, kind, and skinny, but she had also defeated Voldemort. Or claimed to at least—no one cared to ask _how_ she had managed to defeat the Dark Lord (though what with the prophesy and all, her claim should have been highly suspect) but seeing as he hadn't resurfaced, they took her word for it. While some people will simply go along with this, the clever reader has to stop and think of how some skinny blond chick with eight names managed to defeat Mister Big Evil Guy. Unfortunately, they won't find the answer here. Instead they get this little tidbit of news: in reality, she was really Voldemort's daughter and simply asked him to stop being so mean. (The people who think the Dark Lord is simply "mean" also probably believe in the Tooth Fairy and never heard of Hitler.) Even though she is two years younger than Harry Potter and it would, therefore, be impossible for her to actually _be_ Voldemort's daughter. But no one really cares about that. All that matters is Rosemarie Starrain Desirée Esmerelda Cerise Dazzlekiss Sparkleglow Donatienne saved the wizarding world from He Who Must Not Be Named and had won the heart of Harry Potter. The latter is something even the author can't find a somewhat plausible explanation for, however, the author will direct you back to the second paragraph which describes Rosemarie Starrain Desirée Esmerelda Cerise Dazzlekiss Sparkleglow Donatienne's beauty for some vague idea as to why dear Harry can even handle being in this girl's presence.

Thus, the reason for her to be in the meadow at such an unreasonable hour was made. Rosemarie Starrain Desirée Esmerelda Cerise Dazzlekiss Sparkleglow Donatienne came from a very strict upbringing. Her father (hopefully not Voldemort) had been Mormon, and her mother had been a nun (who apparently didn't take the whole vow of celibacy seriously); so when Rosemarie Starrain Desirée Esmerelda Cerise Dazzlekiss Sparkleglow Donatienne received her letter to attend Hogwarts, they became convinced she was a child of the devil and tried to kill her. (Wouldn't you?) Once she safely escaped, she moved to Number 3 Privet Drive where she met and befriended Harry Potter, despite the fact that it has no remote cannon evidence to support such a claim and she's only eleven. I mean really, how many eleven year olds own their own house for God's sake! Either way, her parents had not agreed to the union between their daughter and the Boy Who Lived. Voldemort probably would have killed her, but nothing can kill Rosemarie Starrain Desirée Esmerelda Cerise Dazzlekiss Sparkleglow Donatienne! Unfortunately….

Back to the meadow.

She glanced out at the horizon. A white horse galloped towards her. Seated comfortably on the animal was a man with bright green eyes, messy black hair that had gown long and wavy that somehow didn't make him look gay or at least metrosexual. He had somehow grown very muscular and had eye surgery so he no longer had to wear glasses, because glasses aren't sexy (the author notes the irony that she herself wears glasses, as do most of her friends.) This was Harry Potter. But at the moment he looked more like Fabio.

Rosemarie Starrain Desirée Esmerelda Cerise Dazzlekiss Sparkleglow Donatienne ran towards him and the horse. How exactly she managed to run in a wedding gown, stilettos, and in damp earth is a mystery that only God himself could ever hope to solve. Or Satan. Probably Satan.

Harry Potter/Fabio grabbed her and swung her onto the horse. Together they rode off into the sunset (it must have been a very big meadow, and all of this must have been happening in slow motion because the last time the author made any mention of time, the sun had just come up.) Together, they got married. The rumor that Rosemarie Starrain Desirée Esmerelda Cerise Dazzlekiss Sparkleglow Donatienne happened to be the daughter of Voldemort didn't seem to bother Mr. Potter in the slightest. They had twenty six children within the year; one for each letter of the alphabet.


	2. Teacher Sue

Nadia Margaret Cassandra Ophelia Emily Honey Yukiko Jones II sat down at the teaches table, making sure not a single strand of her perfect raven black hair was out of place. This was, of course, impossible, for Nadia Margaret Cassandra Ophelia Emily Honey Yukiko Jones II _was_ perfect. Her knee length hair shimmered like silk, her alabaster skin glowed in the candle light, her aquamarine eyes twinkled like the stars in the sky. She was the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. Being only twenty, Nadia Margaret Cassandra Ophelia Emily Honey Yukiko Jones II was the youngest teacher ever in Hogwarts history.

Last year, after Snape went off the deep end (he had later received therapeutic help and was now back to being the Potions teacher, albeit heavily medicated) the school was once again in need of a DADA teacher, and seeing that Nadia Margaret Cassandra Ophelia Emily Honey Yukiko Jones II was Dumbledore's granddaughter, she seemed the most logical choice. That she also happened to be a vampire didn't bother Headmistress McGonagall in the slightest. Despite the whole werewolf problem that had come up when Lupin was the DADA teacher, everyone was fine with a vampire teaching the students.

Over the summer, Harry Potter had suffered from a bout of amnesia and, regardless of what he said at the end of his last year, was back at Hogwarts. And, at that moment in time, all he could look at or think about was Nadia Margaret Cassandra Ophelia Emily Honey Yukiko Jones II—as well as every other male in the Great Hall (and a few girls). Nadia Margaret Cassandra Ophelia Emily Honey Yukiko Jones II was used to this kind of behavior from the general populace, so she was unmoved.

For some reason, Dumbledore comes back to life and takes back his position as Headmaster, demoting McGonagall back to the Transfiguration teacher, as well as his main booty-call. So, for all purposes, Harry's last school year didn't happen. Except for the occasional medicated mumbles from Severus Snape and the presence of Nadia Margaret Cassandra Ophelia Emily Honey Yukiko Jones II, the staff was as it had been for the last long while.

Dumbledore began his start of the year speech. For the most part the speech was all about Nadia Margaret Cassandra Ophelia Emily Honey Yukiko Jones II, and how she was single and promiscuous.

Harry and Draco shared competitive glances with each other from across the room. They had all completely forgotten about their respective romantic interests, now there was only room for Nadia Margaret Cassandra Ophelia Emily Honey Yukiko Jones II.

It just so happens that at that moment, Sirius Black comes back to life and sits next to Nadia Margaret Cassandra Ophelia Emily Honey Yukiko Jones II at the teachers table. Dumbledore quickly mentioned that Sirius Black was going to be the DADA teacher's aide. Voldemort also dies. Leaving nothing for Harry to think and angst about other than Nadia Margaret Cassandra Ophelia Emily Honey Yukiko Jones II.

Snape popped out of his heavily medicated state and vows that he will get the new teacher to fall in love with him; Sirius also vows the same thing—only adding that he will make it happen before Snape does. Soon every male in the Great Hall is making this same pledge, save Dumbledore who was too busy looking at the Transfiguration teacher's ass.



During the first day of class, Nadia Margaret Cassandra Ophelia Emily Honey Yukiko Jones II showed up wearing her lacy black bra with fishnet shirt over it, spandex micro-mini skirt, black fishnet stockings, and knee high black spandex boots. The reader is left with the impression that Nadia Margaret Cassandra Ophelia Emily Honey Yukiko Jones II is a slut, but she's really not. None of the boys pay attention to what happens in class, because the teacher is too beautiful for their brains to make out what she's saying. Absolutely none of the girls have a problem with this because they think Nadia Margaret Cassandra Ophelia Emily Honey Yukiko Jones II is a nice person and a great role model. Sirius Black plays the role of loyal errand boy, doing anything the slut asks.

No one cares that everyone is amazingly out of character; though, considering there's a promiscuous, vampire, hoe bag as a teacher in Hogwarts, that everyone is OOC (and alive) isn't surprising. In fact, if everyone _was_ in character, it would probably be a sign of the apocalypse.



During the first month of school, Dumbledore called Harry into his office.

Nadia Margaret Cassandra Ophelia Emily Honey Yukiko Jones II was sitting in one of the chairs. Her hair was pinned up in some fancy knot, with white pearls decorating it. Now, instead of aquamarine, her eyes were like the sea after a storm (yes, they have become blue-grey, instead of bright blue. No one knows why or how…. Satan did it) which complemented her gown of dark blue and silver. Apparently, the only clothes Nadia Margaret Cassandra Ophelia Emily Honey Yukiko Jones II owns happen to be hooker attire and debutant gowns.

"Have a seat, Harry," Dumbledore said, motioning to the empty seat beside the slutty teacher.

Harry sat down and stared at Nadia Margaret Cassandra Ophelia Emily Honey Yukiko Jones II.

"Harry, Miss Jones is an expert at magic, I'm amazed the Ministry hasn't made her Headmistress of a school yet; so I want her to teach you more advanced spells to help you defeat Voldemort."

"But, Sir," Harry began, prying his eyes away from Nadia Margaret Cassandra Ophelia Emily Honey Yukiko Jones II so that he could think. "Didn't Voldemort die about seven paragraphs ago?"

"Yes, Harry. That is what is called a plot hole. Surprisingly enough, I've seen worse; Snape is your father, Draco's your twin sister, everyone dies and is then brought back to life, a slutty vampire becomes the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher and no one has a problem with it." Dumbledore frowned. "But there are more pressing maters. Miss Jones, I'm placing Harry under your care. You two will now share an apartment, a bathroom, vacations to Las Vegas, whipped cream, and a bed.

Nadia Margaret Cassandra Ophelia Emily Honey Yukiko Jones II smiled at Harry. "I like to sleep naked, I hope you don't mind."

Harry fainted.



Over the next several months, Harry and Nadia Margaret Cassandra Ophelia Emily Honey Yukiko Jones II have a healthy student-teacher relationship—until they both go to bed. Then it's like Antonio Benderas and Angelina Jolie in "Original Sin." For those of you who don't know, it had to cut down on the sex scenes to get and "R" rating instead of "NC-17."

During this time Nadia Margaret Cassandra Ophelia Emily Honey Yukiko Jones II was romantically—sexually linked to Snape, Sirius, Draco, Ron, and nearly every other male member of the student body. Except Dumbledore of course.

It seemed that the "advanced spells" she knew all had to do with the bedroom.

Later, Voldemort kidnaps Nadia Margaret Cassandra Ophelia Emily Honey Yukiko Jones II (who _didn't_ see that coming?) Harry, wanting to save his "true love" from the bad guys, runs off after Voldie.

There is some big confrontation, in which Harry nearly dies and Nadia Margaret Cassandra Ophelia Emily Honey Yukiko Jones II manages to defeat Voldemort for good using the power of love—lust. Once Voldemort is dead, Nadia Margaret Cassandra Ophelia Emily Honey Yukiko Jones II leans over Harry Potter and turns him into a vampire. They get married shortly after, and she becomes Nadia Margaret Cassandra Ophelia Emily Honey Yukiko Potter.

They have eight children and Nadia Margaret Cassandra Ophelia Emily Honey Yukiko Jones II still manages to keep her figure. And sleep around with anyone who comes to ask for some sugar.


	3. Neighbor Sue

It was another hot, boring, summer day at Number 4 Privet Drive. Harry Potter sat staring out one of the living room windows, counting the number of bees that flitted around the flowerbeds while the Dursleys watched the television. Harry sighed and glanced down the road.

A large white moving van slowly came into view and pulled into the driveway of Number 3 Privet Drive. Another car: a silver Mercedes-Benz following it. Dudley, having heard the sound of the vehicle, came up next to Harry and stuck his head out the window. Slowly, a tall, leggy woman exited from the mercedes, another person, a tall, strong looking man exited a few seconds latter.

By the time the two adults had gotten out of the car, both Mr. and Mrs. Dursley had also come to peer out the window, as well as nearly every other neighbor.

After a moment or two, another person got out of the car. A young woman, about Harry's age, with long, wavy, cascading locks of pale gold, eyes that shamed an evergreen forest, and a figure that made both Harry and Dudley ache with longing.

"Ah," Uncle Vernon said, staring at the elder woman. "I bet those are the Freemans."

Petunia, staring at the man, stated "we should go introduce ourselves."

Vernon, Dudley, and Harry all agreed and bolted out the door.

After an hour or two, Harry and Dudley were completely infatuated with the new neighbor girl: Allycia Tsukiko Justice Rapunzel Ambrosia Freeman, but she liked to be called Raven. Both boys had begun a rivalry for the affections of the lovely young woman.

The next day, Mrs. Freeman invited Harry over for dinner and he gleefully accepted. Dudley had thrown a tantrum, but was still not allowed to come over.

When Harry entered the Freeman house, he was greeted not only by Mr. and Mrs. Freeman, but also by Mr. and Mrs. Weasley, who had apparently been good friends with the Freemans for several years. Harry wandered into the living room and sat on the couch between Ron and Raven. Raven and Harry then began a rather active round of tongue tag. Ron, Fred, George, Percy, Charlie, and Bill Weasley all stared at Raven, wishing they could be in Harry's place; Ginny, however stared at Harry, longing that Raven would drop dead and become her best friend at the same time.

Eventually, Mrs. Freeman and Mrs. Weasley finished cooking dinner and called everyone into the living room. They all made small talk for a while until—

"Raven, weren't you blond a moment ago?" Ginny said.

Raven smiled, flicking her now brown hair over her shoulder as it turned black, then red, then back to blond.

"She's a Metamorphmagus," Mr. Freeman said proudly. "And an Animagus, Raven can turn into a dove."

Everyone is no doubt confused by the fact that she doesn't turn into a raven as her name would suggest. But the author decided that if the Sue did turn into her namesake—or nicknamesake as it seems—the author would most likely vomit due to the cliché idiocy of it all.

Everyone continued eating their dinner, as though they didn't know just how special Raven was.

Later, the Weasleys left and just as Harry was about to leave, Raven pulled him into the kitchen.

"I want you," she said, licking her lips in a slutty fashion.

The two ran upstairs and preformed acts of indecency that the author will not describe for the following reasons:

1. This is rated "T" as in teen, not "M" as in mature.

2. They probably didn't do things the "traditional" way.

3. The author is a sick person and no doubt would loose much of their audience if they included the acts of the two impure teens.

The next morning, Harry left the Freeman home and sauntered back inside Number 4 Privet Drive. Dudley sat on the couch in the living room, waiting for his cousin. They have an argument filled with really bad dialogue only slightly worse than what you may find in a soap opera. And eventually have a fight.

A violent, bloody fight. Think "Fight Club" meets "Mortal Kombat"—but without the spines being pulled out, skimpy outfits, and such.

The fight traveled out into the street, where Raven ran out to try—sort of—to get them to stop. They continued their battle, running to the park, Raven following behind them.

"Dudley, don't hurt him!" Raven yelled. "Harry, I love you!"

Hearing her oh-so-predictable outburst, Dudley tried to strangle Harry in his rage. Sensing that his cousin was going to kill him, Harry picked up a rock and bashed it into Dudley's head. The fat, limp form of Dudley fell down on Harry, who shoved him off angrily. Raven hurried over to Harry and flung her arms around him.

They latter married and had three children. Two years after the birth of their last child, Raven goes to New York to buy some new clothes and is eaten by wolves in front of the Statue of Liberty. What exactly wolves were doing there is anyone's guess. With the death of Raven, the three children vanished, Dudley came back to life, and Harry suddenly felt compelled to marry Ginny.

Harry and Ginny lived happily ever after.


	4. Snape's Daughter Sue

It was an unusually cold morning when Severus Snape was awakened by a knock at his door. He got off his couch, having fallen asleep on it after a wild night of drinking and things that should never be mentioned again, and stumbled over to the door.

A willowy young woman stood on the doorstep, her long black hair cascading down to her narrow waist. She had a pair of large black eyes that shone in the early morning light, opalescent skin, a set of full red lips, and a chest the size of a pair of grapefruits.

"H-hello," the girl said, shyly. Her voice was soft, kind, and filled with hope. "Are you Severus Snape?"

Snape nodded, trying to remember if he had ever met the girl before. But how could anyone be expected to remember what one did during those wild parties?

"I-I'm Claudia Stacy Heather David Ceebysket Edwards. My mum is Norel Edwards. You're my daddy."

Snape stared at the girl for a long while, pondering the name of his last few prostitutes over the years. "Was your mother a blond woman? Curves in all the right places, legs for days?"

Claudia nodded.

"So, how's she been?"

Claudia bit her lower lip to keep it from trembling as a set of tears rolled down her face. "She's dead! The gonorrhea infected her brain! That combined with her AIDS, syphilis and the herpes killed her!" Claudia gave an earth shaking sob and stared up at Snape. Her eyes glistening due to the tears and their amazing power to sparkle at all hours of the day, even during moments of emotional turmoil. "I was born before she got infected, so I'm alright."

Snape coughed, not sure of what he could do in this situation. Fortunately, Claudia provided an answer in her wailing.

"Mommy said if anything happened to her, I should find my daddy. That's you, Severus Snape."

Feeling somehow responsible for the girl's sad state, Severus ushered her inside. "I've got a spare bedroom upstairs, you can stay there for a while."

"But I don't have anywhere else to go!" Claudia exclaimed. Another set of tears began to form in her great, dark eyes. "You're my father! You're supposed to take care of me! We've only known each other for five minutes, and you're already trying to get rid of me!"

Snape slapped her and yelled: "I said yes you damn bitch!"

Claudia quit screaming and whimpered instead. Snape went upstairs, Claudia following him. He pulled out a set of sheets from the linen closet, a pillow and a pillow slip; all of which smelled of lavender. He handed the items to Claudia (who was still crying silently), pointed at a door, making sure the wench entered before he went back down stairs to make breakfast.

Claudia stood in a rather bare room containing small cot, closet, and one window. The floor was of a dull grey carpet and the walls a pale blue. A single light bulb hung from the ceiling, flickering on and off. Claudia frowned. She placed the bedding on the cot, slid her backpack off her shoulders and on to the floor, then pulled her wand out of her back jeans pocket.

Back to Snape:

Snape stood in the kitchen, trying to remember how the stove worked. He'd usually make his meals with magic, but, not knowing if his new daughter was even aware of magic meant he had to cook manually. Actually, he wasn't even sure why he _owned_ a stove. It probably just seemed like a good idea to buy one at the time.

There was a loud noise from upstairs, rattling the dishes in the cupboard. Snape glanced up at the ceiling, a light dusting of plaster falling down on him. A sudden paternal feeling rushed into him and he ran to check on the girl.

As Snape reached the top of the stairs, there was another bang coming from his daughter's room. He opened the door apprehensively, and much to his horror, found the room completely redecorated.

The carpet was now a soft, plush, pink shag; the walls covered in red and pink striped wallpaper; a pink the same color as the carpet now covered the ceiling as well. A heart shaped bed with heart shaped headboard, covered in rich red satin sheets and at least a dozen pillows of many shades of red and pink, was placed against the wall where the cot had once been. There was now a desk in one corner with a pink lamp atop it and a chair with a red seat next to it; a large closet and dresser, tables and a vanity all in gold now decorated the room. Overall, it had the appearance of a lingerie store.

"You did this?" Snape asked his child, who was placing her clothes in the dresser.

"Yep, mommy taught me some magic basics, I figured the rest out myself."

Time Warp: Near the end of summer

Snape sat at the kitchen table, near tears. Besides him being too manly to cry, with Claudia around, it seemed a miracle the house wasn't flooded. He was running out of money, hardly able to support Claudia's shoe fetish. There was no way he would ask any of the Death Eaters for money, he was above that. The only option was to find a job. But the only job he'd ever had was at Hogwarts, he'd have to go back.

He appeared at the school a little while later. This is because the author is lazy and wants to finish this as soon as possible. After an hour of bartering, Snape got a job and enrolled his new daughter in the school.

Time Warp: Beginning of School Feast

Snape sat at the teacher's table. He was not the DADA teacher, not the Potions teacher, he was the janitor. Claudia was in the line with the first years waiting to be sorted. She towered over them.

The teacher who had been calling out names of the first years paused dramatically after the last student was situated at the Hufflepuff table. "Claudia Stacy Heather David Ceebysket Edwards-Snape!" they called out once everyone was quiet.

All the boys in the Great Hall stared at the young woman as she walked up to the hat. They all prayed that she would be sorted into their house. Claudia was quickly placed in Slytherin, much to their delight, and the misery of everyone else. She befriended Draco Malfoy—who was madly in lust with her—and fell love with Harry Potter, despite not talking to him yet.

Draco spent every moment possible in her company (Harry and him had returned to Hogwarts after a bit of soul searching) and Harry sent longing glances in her direction at every moment of the day.

Claudia cried about this for many hours. "Why can't I just be ugly like everyone lese?! Why does everyone fall in love with me?!" she would cry to Severus whenever he was in hearing distance.

Eventually, Harry and Claudia confess their mutual love—lust—for each other. Draco was heartbroken, having gotten to third base with the girl.

One day, as Claudia and Harry near acts of indecency upon one another Harry stopped.

"Oh God!" he screamed, mentally cursing for picking such a small broom closet to hide in. "You—you're—oh God! You're a man!"

Claudia began crying. "No, my love! I'm a woman!" she paused. "Actually, I'm a hermaphrodite. So, I'm really both. Technically, I'm a woman. I look like one. But, yeah, I'm partially a man."

Vomit about to pour out his mouth, Harry pulled his pants up and fled the closet.

Claudia wept. She pulled her skirt back on and went back to her dormitory. She pulled out a length of rope from her trunk and fashioned it into a noose. The body was discovered a few hours later.

Everyone at the funeral wept uncontrollably, having picked up the trait from Claudia. All, that is, except Snape, Draco, and Harry. They danced around the grave for several hours.

* * *

A.N: The "twist" at the end came from not paying attention in Biology. We were watching a video about tapeworms...I was sitting next to one of my male friends, he was paying far more attention than I was (I was writing this story). The video went on to talk about the reproductive system of the tapeworm and my friend got an idea. An awful, funny, frightening idea. Thus, Claudia's ending was made. Yay for hermaphrodites! 


	5. Ultra Sue

Bridgette Guinevere Aurora Oceane Anastasia Ixchel Hyacinth Morrigan Nefertiti Geneva, the daughter of an elven queen and pure blood wizard, sat in her lone compartment on the Hogwarts Express. Her head was leaned against one of her porcelain white hands, her legs were crossed, a bit of her white ankle exposed from under her long dark-rose skirt, the tiny black shoes she wore so finely crafted that they looked like works of art. The drop-waist skirt she wore was of a rich silk, embroidered with black, gold, and pearl colored butterflies; her plunging v-neck, off the shoulder shirt with elegant butterfly sleeves was of an identical fabric. The entire ensemble was stunning and flattered every inch of her body.

Not that it required a finely crafted garment to make Bridgette Guinevere Aurora Oceane Anastasia Ixchel Hyacinth Morrigan Nefertiti Geneva look beautiful. She was tall and elegant, her legs long and shapely, her chest was ample and defied gravity, her waist only fifteen inches around. The elven blood in her gave the young woman hair of the deepest ebony, which cascaded down her back in soft ringlets, eyes the color of the midnight sky with an unearthly light that seemed to hold the very light from the stars, and ears boasting the slight point that would have been twice as prominent if not for her mortal father.

Bridgette Guinevere Aurora Oceane Anastasia Ixchel Hyacinth Morrigan Nefertiti Geneva gave a musical sigh. She hated being so beautiful; it was bad enough so many men fell in love with her but that so many of them had sunk so low as to fight to the death over her was too much for a girl to take. Oh, she should have felt honored, and she did for a while; but after the incident with the two gods a year ago (Bridgette Guinevere Aurora Oceane Anastasia Ixchel Hyacinth Morrigan Nefertiti Geneva also happened to be the incarnation of a goddess) she had resolved never to fall in love.

"Excuse me, but, are you saving these seats for anyone?"

Bridgette Guinevere Aurora Oceane Anastasia Ixchel Hyacinth Morrigan Nefertiti Geneva glanced up at a dark haired young man. Behind him stood a red-haired boy of the same age, and a brown haired girl behind the other boy.

"No," Bridgette Guinevere Aurora Oceane Anastasia Ixchel Hyacinth Morrigan Nefertiti Geneva replied, her eyes glued to the dark haired boy.

The three filed into the compartment and sat down, the one who spoke sitting next to her. "I'm Harry Potter," he said. "This is Ron Weasley, and that's Hermione Granger."

The other two greeted her and smiled.

"I am Bridgette Guinevere Aurora Oceane Anastasia Ixchel Hyacinth Morrigan Nefertiti Geneva."

"That's a lovely name," Hermione said with admiration.

They continued making small talk for a while. The author doesn't feel the need to include it for she doubts the readers actually want to read it, and she has a short attention span. But, eventually it gets to…

"I've never seen you at Hogwarts before," Ron stated, drool pouring out his mouth as Bridgette Guinevere Aurora Oceane Anastasia Ixchel Hyacinth Morrigan Nefertiti Geneva flicked her hair behind one of her shoulders. "Are you new?"

The elven girl nodded. "Yes. I've been living in…" she paused, trying to think of where exactly she should say she had been living. To the elven royalty and goddess incarnate, telling three complete strangers that she had been living in an elven grotto for most of her life. "America, and moved to London over the summer."

Hermione smiled at her, as did Ron, Harry, however, was envisioning acts of indecency he could perform with Bridgette Guinevere Aurora Oceane Anastasia Ixchel Hyacinth Morrigan Nefertiti Geneva that should _never_ be discussed in any company. Only in smutty romance novels with titles that double as innuendos. But this is not a smutty romance novel, so Harry's thoughts will not be included in this fanfiction.

There was more small talk. Yet again, not important, so, being the lazy shrew that she is, the author skips it. So, it is now the time comes for everyone to change into their school uniforms, and seeing how they're all such good friends, change in the compartment at the same time. (Just because this happens in locker rooms—please note that there are _separate _ones for the gents and lasses—doesn't mean it's acceptable in other places.) Bridgette Guinevere Aurora Oceane Anastasia Ixchel Hyacinth Morrigan Nefertiti Geneva however either doesn't have to wear the uniform because she's so damn special, or she wears it and, instead of it making her look somewhat homely and lackluster, she still looks like the elven goddess that she is—only amplified a few times.

Sooner or latter, they all get to Hogwarts. To avert a potential genocide of the students, Dumbledore (for he's alive in this one) had Bridgette Guinevere Aurora Oceane Anastasia Ixchel Hyacinth Morrigan Nefertiti Geneva called to his office during summer and sorted into a house. He'd seen many a Sue in his day and knew better than to let her be sorted among the students. Bridgette Guinevere Aurora Oceane Anastasia Ixchel Hyacinth Morrigan Nefertiti Geneva was already sorted into Gryffindor, so she was able to accompany her new chums for an even longer time.

Regardless as to the Headmaster's original intent, a small riot still broke out among the Slytherins and Gryffindors. But it was quickly quelled with only a few lackluster characters suffering casualties. (Sadly Crabbe, Goyle, and Neville will not be appearing due to this incident. The author requests a moment of silence on their behalves.)

Over the next several chapters, the author goes into detail about Bridgette Guinevere Aurora Oceane Anastasia Ixchel Hyacinth Morrigan Nefertiti Geneva's new life at Hogwarts and the romance blossoming between her and Harry, as well as the sexual tension building with Draco. Sooner or latter, the readers learn that Bridgette Guinevere Aurora Oceane Anastasia Ixchel Hyacinth Morrigan Nefertiti Geneva is the incarnation of Aphrodite, Harry is the incarnation of Apollo, and Draco is Hades. Never mind that this makes no sense whatsoever, nor does the choice of deities help.

Thus Harry and Draco start a celestial war over Aphrodite (she shall now be referred to as this, simply because the author can't be bothered to continue to type out her "name.") And at some point Aphrodite gets a summons from her mother and has to go back to the elven court.

She brings Harry with her and they are both treated like royalty. A marriage proposal is drawn up and they become engaged/married within the week. There _was_ a reason for Aphrodite to go home, but it was dismissed as unimportant and got in the way for the sex between Harry and her. Speaking of which, the readers can be assured it went into great detail about how much Aphrodite's eyes sparkled and did nothing for the plot.

Once they return to Hogwarts, Voldemort pops up and kidnaps Aphrodite and everyone just stands by and watch it happen. Sure, she could have killed Voldemort simply by touching him if the desire came, but she's not the kind of person to needlessly kill the villain when her man whore can do it for her.

Voldemort brings her to some rundown warehouse in New York City to try and free the goddess from her body and get the wench on his side, not to mention have the sex with her. The readers can rest assured that she remained ever virtuous and not once did Voldie succeed in trying to seduce her.

Harry and Draco soon get over their differences and rush off to save their strumpet.

All goes according to plan and the two gents kill the Dark Lord by calling on their inner deities. However it backfires and the attack kills the strumpet.

Harry rushes to her, and holds her dying body in his arms. The two share sweet, tender, little sayings about how their love is undying and that they will meet in heaven. As the girl dies in Harry's arms, Draco stays back, knowing better than to intervein.

Bridgette Guinevere Aurora Oceane Anastasia Ixchel Hyacinth Morrigan Nefertiti Geneva/Aphrodite dies and Harry cries like a woman. Somehow, he manages to remain looking sexy and masculine though.

As her pulse fades, a strange light filled the warehouse and a hole rips open in the floor. A sinister figure emerges, surrounded by a cloud of black smoke and the odor of sulfur. The figure grabs the girl's body and pulls her down into the hole, which closed up behind them.

"What the hell was that?" Harry asked, glancing back at Draco.

"I do believe that was Satan."

Harry glanced around. "I'm filled with the urge to hurt you, marry Ginny, and become a martyr for all good wizards."

"Hmm…well," Draco paused, pulling out his wand. "I'm filled with the urge to kill you, make out with Pansy, and…well, that's about it."

Harry thus married Ginny and kicked Malfoy. Draco in turn made out with Pansy, became the new Dark Lord for a week and killed Harry, who became a martyr for the incident.

The end.

* * *

A/N: You know, I like making up my own ending for Harry Potter more than the cannon one. But my ideas are all...is there a nice word for "crack-headed?" While the cannon one was all neat and tidy and made sense. This was the last Sue I made before _Deathly Hallows _came out, and the last one with Harry as the romantic interest. Next I shall traumatize Draco. 


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